The Fear of Failure

Does anyone not have it? As I allow my mind to race over and over with possible bad outcomes to my current position in life, I realize that I definitely spend more time in the realm of “What if”? (I attribute this to my mother who is undiagnosed obsessive compulsive and, I assume, the one who passed this dreaded genetic sequence on to me.) I’m constantly faced with fears of not succeeding at work, not being able to purchase a home, not having a dog nor a boyfriend, and being fat and unpopular. Where will I be buried when I check out from this plane of existence? What if I were to develop a terminal illness? What if I choked on a sandwich and died unexpectedly? Would anyone discover my body for days?

I am definitely a 'glass is half empty' kind of guy.

Is there a reason that I am consistently late to work? I don’t enjoy being late to work, but at the same time, I dread giving them even one more minute that I am being compensated for. I have been in training at a new job for seven months in a completely different field of work than my previous occupation. Being that I do not have a college degree, this job pays well, has good benefits, and affords me a generous amount of time off. So what is the problem, you may ask? The people I am working for, by and large, seem hell bent on putting me through an antiquated hazing type ritual before being qualified in my job position. After 9 months of training, I will then be on probation for a year. Can anyone say, “JESUS FUCKING CHRIST????” On top of said issues, this job is a very high stress position. So, as of late, after being up to 15 minutes late to work a few times over a 7 month period, I have now been given an unofficial documentation letter of my tardiness. What part of said documentation letter is unofficial, I dare not ask.

Being a member of Generation X, I am an extremely intelligent and charming individual with very little motivation to actually accomplish anything. I am much more concerned with pouring over my Netflix list than I am pursuing a college degree. That being said, I am terrific at parties and social occasions. I often have people say, “Oh my God, you are so smart and funny. I can’t believe you don’t have a boyfriend or that you’re not a doctor or something.” Believe it people, believe it. Sadly, being an entertaining party guest and/or friend does not pay the rent.

Being a San Franciscan, I appreciate the fog, the clouds, the rain, the gray, the stillness. We are inexorably linked, they and I. Today started cloudy and cold and the rain began just after noon. I am extremely fair complected and I take gleeful pleasure in the fact that those who love to tan and have a gleaming golden brown skin will not be able to do so today. Ah yes my friends, anyone in this town who is tan is a fake 'n baker and we all know it.

I had lunch with my good friend today before the rain, the divine Miss S. It's always so easy and comfortable to be with her and that is a gift. Is there anything better than the unforced laughter and the closeness one feels when you're with true friends? People you've known for years who know you, love you, and accept you for who you truly are? Thanks for lunch doll xo.

That's all for now folks. Cuidate.