Me? Grown Up?

I don't think of myself as a grown up. Seriously. As I gave more thought to this yesterday and today, a startling question hit me. When does one grow up?

When I was 17 or so, there was a guy I worked with a year or two older at Burger King who was killed while piloting a Cessna airplane. I remember the paper running the headline Derry Man Killed in Tragic Accident and thinking, "Oh, I guess he's a man because he's 18." But when I turned 18, I didn't really feel like an adult man. When I turned 21 I supposed I was an adult since I could drink alcohol legally, but still didn't feel quite like an adult. I am now 32, soon to be 33 years old. I do not feel like an adult. I don't own property, I don't have children (thankfully) and if I died today, I don't think I'd be leaving much behind materially speaking.

As this year has progressed, I'm definitely putting down roots in ways I didn't foresee. I paid off my car and bought a new one. I am now making enough money to have my own place. I have made several furniture purchases. I am in a relationship that I didn't ever see coming (considering my track record of the last five years). I suppose I am starting to feel grown up. I will likely be getting a dog in the early part of the new year and this is making me feel more adult than anything previously. Probably because I will have taken on the responsibility of another creature's life. The root cause of me beginning to feel like an adult is money. I have more money now that I have ever had in my lifetime. But is that truly what is the measure of an adult? That you have money or things?

The idea of being a parent scares the bejesus out of me. My mother had her first child at 22 and then proceeded to have three more in the next four years. When she had me at 33 (my age), she had six children and was raising them 90% of the time alone while my father was on deployment in the Navy. I suppose one plays with the hand of cards that they are dealt. Still, I don't know how my parents managed with all of us. To this day, I worry that they had too many kids and sacrificed their future well being on feeding, clothing, and educating all of us. I wonder when my mom or dad started feeling like an adult. I'm going to ask them.

My new job has also helped to stir up these thoughts. I have been faced with a couple of high stress situations which have made me realize that my job is very important and a lot of people's lives are depending on my actions. As a flight attendant, this seldom occurred to me because realistically, how often did I evacuate a burning plane? Never. In my new line of work, I am dealing with life and death situations daily and I am hopeful that I will be up to the challenge.

It's kind of a strange dichotomy for me because on one hand, I consider myself very capable and competent. There's this other side to me though that feels like a fourteen year old, always getting into trouble and hoping I don't get caught. Funny. Perhaps I should be a Gemini?

Cuidate everybody.