Death and Taxes

Nothing is certain, but death and taxes.

I suppose there is a lot of truth to that statement. I have been giving some thought to the general level of anxiety in my life. On the one hand, I consider myself to be easy going and not too worried about stuff. I have had a good amount of luck in my life and I also have a strong work ethic, so things have seemed to work out for me. On the flip side though, I worry about a lot of things. Does everyone else constantly worry about stuff? Or do we keep ourselves busy to keep from worrying?

When I look at people in my life who have children, I must admit I am in awe. The balancing act and time commitment it takes to raise a child (much less several) is daunting. I am 34 years old and I still cannot figure out a way to have a dog, much less a child or a successful relationship. From my perspective, straight people (for better or worse) seem to get caught in this cycle because that is the way life works. You meet someone, court, get married, and then start a family. It seems that you spend most of the next twenty years focusing your attentions on your kids and getting out can be messy and not worth the trouble. So you stay because emotionally and financially it is easier. Of course this is a generalization, but it seems to be true for a large part of society. For gays, it is not as established. Lesbians and small numbers of gay male couples do choose to become parents, but it is usually a conscious choice and planned out versus it just being something that happens. In recent years, I have given thought to being a parent or having a child. Not serious consideration as in "I am planning to have a child.", but thoughts relating to, "How could I preserve somewhat of my current lifestyle and accommodate a child into that mix?" I do not see how I could make it work. This may sound horrible, but I really enjoy sleeping. If I get less than seven hours of sleep a night, I am a bitch to be around. My coworkers do not seem to get a lot of sleep. They work here, then go home and have to be up 4 hours later to send their kids off to school. Personal time with a spouse seems to be a rare occasion and fit in when it works. It does not seem like the kind of life that I want to lead. I fear I am not flexible enough to accommodate a child in my life at this point. And I am not getting any younger either.

It is not only about family issues though. It seems like as a person in today's society, we are surrounded by fear. The media has a lot to do with this. When was the last time you turned on the news and did not hear about murders, genocides, Al Qaeda, rapes, domestic violence, flooding, natural disasters, gun violence, and the like? We are a planet on the brink of environmental ruin, a country under attack from foreign terrorists. Our way of life is threatened by an illegal immigrant population who is willing to work cheaper for less. Our nation's moral fiber is crumbling as we allow homosexuals to marry and teens to have sex and babies. I thank the powers above that I do not live in a city like Phoenix or Los Angeles where Breaking News! and helicopter chases are common. After a while, the din of 30 second sound bites and 24 hour news networks becomes too much for one to bear.

But there is more! If you lose your job, you will not have health insurance. Even if you do have health insurance, you could develop some rare syndrome that insurance refuses to cover whatever experimental treatment you might need. So you, your family and your friends will be forced to hold bake sales and bowl-a-thons to put a dent in the hundreds of thousands of dollars in medical bills that you will rack up. Losing your home is a forgone conclusion. You are destined to live out the rest of your natural born life in a studio apartment the size of a closet with your elderly mother and a Filipino nurse who does not speak English attending to you. Good times.

Being a gay male entitles you to the special set of worries attached with AIDS. You are going to get AIDS, it is your destiny as a gay man to get AIDS, you are going to die of AIDS. In my case, you are going to die of AIDS...alone. My mother is so fearful of this particular scenario that when I told her I had a surprise for her (my tattoo), she nearly wept with joy at seeing it.

Pair all of these thoughts with a slight case of OCD and you have my outlook on life. Honestly, I enjoy my day to day life and I try not to dwell on the glass half empty. Lately though, the combination of presidential politics and a possible career move is bringing a lot of nervousness to the surface. In the end though, the only things certain in life are death and taxes.

Cuidate.

When It Rains, It Pours

It has rained more this winter than any other year in memory. The temperatures are also freezing. Make it stop I say, make it stop. Such a pity global warming has fucked up the climate for all.

On the flip side, my personal life has been sizzling lately. You would think I would know better by now, but no. Same mistakes, same patterns repeating themselves over and over. Good sex, a relationship does not make. But it sure does put some spring in your step, don't it?

Cuidate.

Self-Reflection

This entire week, I have been attending a seminar at work on cultural diversity. I have been bitching the entire time frankly because of having to get up so early and having my schedule upset. (To be honest and fair, I am still grumbling about that part. Mornings have become so hard for me to face!) The impression I was taking from the class was that it was all a bit contrived. Having a cultural diversity class in the Bay Area seems like kind of a silly idea. As we are wrapping up though, I have to say that it has proven to be a very worthwhile and eye opening experience. The most interesting part of the class has been having two different panels of speakers from within our organization each day. Thus far, we have had a female panel, an Asian American panel, an African American panel, an Older White Male panel (affectionately called "the angry white male group"), a Hispanic panel, and a GLBT panel. It is very interesting to hear the personal stories of people that one works with on a daily basis.

Today two powerful stories came forth that profoundly moved me. One was of a woman who was in an abusive arranged marriage for over a decade and felt fortunate to escape with her children and her life. The other came from a normally quiet lesbian officer who spoke movingly about her strained family ties five years after coming out to her parents. These ladies are both people that I work with, but I was unaware of the experiences that they have had and struggled with. As humans, we all carry around these emotional burdens and do not often share them with others or let them be seen. Especially as a man, one is expected to "suck it up and move on" as the expression goes. Being given the opportunity and the safe environment to share some of these things as well as the opportunity to take stock in one's own thinking in regards to race, gender, sexual orientation, disabilities, and age issues is invaluable. We are wrapping up our training today with a panel of people from the Middle East and a panel of hearing impaired subjects.

Just wanted to share a bit about my week. I hope everyone has a terrific weekend.

Cuidate.

Cold and Foggy

It has been a cold winter here. Night temperatures are getting down into the 30s and day temperatures are not rising to much higher than that. Fog is not uncommon for San Francisco, but in the East Bay we do not see too much of it. Earlier Tuesday, I awoke to a solid wall of fog and low lying clouds which did not burn off until late afternoon.

I am midway through a week of cultural diversity training at work required by the state. While the training itself is not too bad, it forces me into an 8-5 schedule. God bless all of you people who can do it. I am NOT one of them. I am nauseous each day before noon. Friday cannot come soon enough.

I was able to catch Frontline tonight on PBS while waiting for my laundry to dry. They did a one hour special on Dick Cheney, his assault on the Constitution and his grasp for unlimited power for the Executive Branch. The program was horrific, frightening, and well researched. The arrogance of this administration knows no limits. If you can catch it or view it on the web somehow, I highly recommend it.

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/cheney

I am already way late for bed, but I will post later in the week. Hope everyone is having a great week.

Cuidate.

Runway, Runway, Runway!

I hate to gush, but this show is absolutely incredible. Coming off last week's lame episode with the cast making clothes out of products from the Hersheys Store in Times Square, my expectations were lower than usual. To be fair, that probably was the lamest episode of the last couple of seasons. Way beyond cheap product placement and for what? This week however, the show came ROARING back. The Prom Dress Challenge.

Christian's issues with his model created some of the best moments the show has had this season. She was exactly like him, completely opinionated and not willing to budge on anything. The dress did not turn out to be a total disaster, but I felt like she needed a brighter color.

The fact that no one turned in a complete mess of a garment was remarkable. The stars and judges associated with the show (Tim, Heidi, etc.) keep stating that this year's cast has the most talent of any cast yet and it shows. My mind is trying to picture Angela from Season 3 trying to make a prom dress. Puh-leez....

I really disliked Jillian's dress this week. From the seafoam colors to the top of the bodice that did not seem to fit. The judges apparently liked it well enough though as they let her through immediately.


I have to agree that Ricky's choice of color for his model's dress was not the best. Still, she liked the dress and I thought that should count for something. (I guess it did, he is still in the competition.) I really love Ricky's personality, but his designs can sometimes be lackluster.


Here is Ricky showing off his beautiful Virgin of Guadalupe Tattoo. Great minds think alike.


I am going on record to state my affection for Kit. Right now she is flying under the radar, but I love her work. It is a little edgy, but it is completely her voice. I feel she always hits exactly the right notes in what she is trying to say. At this point, I would like to see Kit, Victorya, and Christian in the final 3. I think Christian's personality and mouth might do him in near the end. Rami is a really hot guy physically. However, he seems kind of a one note designer to me. The way he draped his prom dress was very reticent of his first dress of the season that won top prize. Yes we know you can make beautiful gowns Rami. Now show us something else...PLEASE.

Thank God for Project Runway.

Cuidate.

Finding the Needle in the Haystack

I am not a big fan of the media these days. I fervently believe that the 24-hour news network cycle was the beginning of the end of civilized discourse in our society. First CNN Headline News, followed by Fox, and now it’s many competitors. I admit, being a night owl, that it is nice to have access to news and information late at night or early in the morning when I get home from work. But the detriments outweigh the benefits. There is simply not enough news generated worldwide to occupy every second and every minute of 24-hour news coverage. The modus operandi of most networks seems to be to obtain a provocative video image or clip of a story. Said networks then loop the clip and play it over and over again for their captive audiences. (How many times did we watch the World Trade Center buildings collapse on September 11th and 12th, 2001? How many times did we hear Howard Dean scream in the 2004 presidential campaign?) Very little truthful or accurate information ends up accompanying the report. In most cases, the story is incredibly hyped up. The whole "If it bleeds, it leads" argument builds ratings. Car chases on freeways being tracked in real time by helicopters, hostage situations with the SWAT team and sharpshooters in position behind a wall, barricaded subjects with guns, and on and on.

As a rule, I try not to watch news from local television or cable. It seems like very little useful information comes out of any story. When the story about a tiger escaping from the San Francisco Zoo and mauling a local teenager came out recently, the local media had news footage of the dead tiger covered with a blanket and police milling around. That was it for a good 24 hours. There is still incredible speculation going on about what really happened, but most good news seems to come from print sources locally.

While this works for me, it most certainly does not work for my parents. FOX News is a constant presence in my parent's home. Whenever I visit, it blares from at least one if not two or three TV sets around the house. I try to take into account that politically I am at the opposite end of the spectrum as my parents and this does influence my take on things. Still, the ridiculously hyped excrement that FOX creates and packages as news for delivery by 1970s Bob Barker era models/spokeswomen/news readers (what do you call them?) is swallowed eagerly by my Mom in particular. I received a slightly frantic e-mail just yesterday. "Mark, the news about the weather in California is terrible. Are you ok? Please call me and let me know that you are ok." I have had numerous discussions with my mom about trying to not watch so much news, but she does not listen well. That combined with her special talent for worrying about her children can be a deadly combination. (For the record, San Francisco and the East Bay have had some rain. No flooding, no mud slides, no earthquakes...just greener grass and some puddles.)

Personally, I take most of my information from the Internet, NPR, the BBC and I digitally record Charlie Rose from PBS which covers some current news, but delves into a broad range of topics from science to theatre to film to literature just to name a few. I suppose I filter the news that I take in to subjects that interest me and I discard the rest. (For example, I have next to no knowledge of any kind of sports. Not a big area of interest to this gay boy.) Trust is not something that comes easy to Gen X'ers. After the whole WMD debacle and the GW era of being considered an enemy of the state if you dared to question any kind of government policy, my instinct to trust has shrunk, not grown. My position these days is that absolute truth does not exist. This is a world of gray, not of black and white. Everyone has a point of view and truth to the individual will always be colored by our previous experiences in life. In seeking out truth (or the closest thing to it), one needs to consider a lot of sources. Not too dissimilar from finding a needle in a haystack.

The inspiration behind this veiled rant is the political coverage of the last few days. For some asinine reason, a good majority of the states pushed up their political primaries this year in an effort to have more of a say in who the nominees for the presidency are. While it seems that these moves were innocent in nature, they have really (excuse my French) fucked over the presidential race for the citizens of the United States this year. In previous years, the presidential race began with primaries in either February or March. The state primaries were then spread throughout the year until the conventions in the summer at which time a nominee was named. As time has passed, states have become greedy for a piece of the financial windfall the states with early primaries have historically enjoyed. Fast forward to this year. Iowa was forced to move its caucus to January 4 to keep its first in the nation status. New Hampshire then was forced to move its first in the nation primary to today, January 8th. The entire nominating process will be almost certainly wrapped up by Tsunami Tuesday, February 5th. On this day, 24 states are scheduled to hold either primaries or caucuses. So the entire political race for the nomination has boiled down to a one month campaign with very little opportunity for any candidate to be able to make up ground or recover from an early loss in a key state. After February, what the hell are we going to talk about until November? Nine months of political attacks, mud slinging, accusations, and ridiculous amounts of money being thrown about with little to show at the end.

Since the Iowa caucuses four days ago, the candidates have been campaigning nonstop across New Hampshire in an effort to shore up support and gain some ground today in the primaries. Hillary Clinton has had a rough few days, breaks down, and nearly cries at a campaign event. First off, who ever thought we would see Hillary with any sort of emotional display? There is no question that both she and Bill must be extremely disappointed in her performance in Iowa. Unfortunately, with the primaries so close together this year, there is little time for her to change strategy or make up ground. Combine that with 96 hours to save your political future and about 6 hours of sleep in four days and presto, you have a meltdown. I am not a Clinton fan. Personally, they both rub me the wrong way. I also strongly feel that if Bill had done the honorable thing and resigned after the Lewinsky scandal broke, Gore would have been a shoo in for president in 2000 and the map of the world would look vastly different today. Still, I am not going there. My point here is, Hillary's minor breakdown was covered by at least six different news sources that I happened to catch in a period of twelve hours. All of the television personalities are predicting a big win for Obama today. It almost seems like the media is willing it to happen through their coverage. I have made no secret that I think Obama is the best guy in the race and I do hope he wins. But between the media saturation and the shortened nomination process this year, I strongly feel that the American people are getting shortchanged. I wish we could return to a simpler and more level headed time when the nomination process had a more reasonable timetable. Over the course of several months, the process seemed less harried and more thorough. Does it seem right that we will choose the two nominees for the highest office in our land in a matter of four weeks? I am convinced that the process needs (and deserves) more time. The presidency of the United States is not a decision that should be taken lightly.

Alright, I am off my soapbox; well, until the next post I suppose. Hope you all have a great week. Cuidate.

A Good Beginning

So my candidate is off to a good start. Obama won the Iowa primaries with Edwards and Clinton basically tying for second. It is still very early in the game and one should never count out the Clinton political machine nor Edwards. Still...it feels good to win!

Happy New Year

It is 2008. New Year's is one of those holidays that I never quite know how to celebrate. I am not one for the big party or function. I have no strong urge to go and join thousands of people freezing their asses off in Time's Square. (A cold and snowy Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade years ago cured me of that.) I usually volunteer to work because of the overtime. Next year, I may come up with an alternate plan because New Years Eve and Halloween are the worst nights of the year to work. Too much stuff going on and not enough bodies to respond.

One of the other reasons I am not a big New Year's fan is because everyone starts asking the same silly questions. What are your resolutions this year? How was 2007 for you? What kind of changes are you going to make this year? I have a slight bit of the OCD in me, so when I look back I tend to be more self-critical than anything else. I suppose periodic reevaluation of one's life is not a bad thing, but I never enjoy the experience. I have been to therapy a couple of times and I usually prefer short quick doses to the long extended kind. If I convince myself that I am not crazy, then maybe I am not. (I am giggling as I write this. The notion is pretty fucking funny. I am such a control freak.)

So that being said, I hope everyone has a wonderful 2008. I anticipate some changes coming my way in the next couple of months and I will share more as they present themselves.

Looking forward to another fun year of the blog too! Cuidate.